The pamphlets that come in the mail explain how I will feel as I grieve over the loss of my son. "Don’t worry." They say. "What you are experiencing is perfectly normal." Apparently there are stages of this grief that everyone goes through.
I wonder, though if it is normal for me to feel sad for my son. Those who try to console will say, "At least he isn’t in anymore pain.” I wonder how “they” know that. Today, for no particular reason, at least not one I can identify, I have been feeling an overwhelming sadness.
As I sat still with my sadness, I came to an understanding that I have not had before. I suddenly realized that along with the so called “normal” feelings of grief and loss I am also experiencing certain maternal feelings of worry and protectiveness. I feel the deepest pain when I have thoughts that somehow Joe is hurting.
He was happiest when he was with his family. He and Anne found love again. There are no words powerful enough to describe how he felt about Domani. He fought so hard to stay here with them. How can he possibly be at peace? The visions in my mind are torturous.
Oh, I know. Of course, I know. I know that I am asking THE questions. Where is Joe? Is he at peace, and out of pain? And the ultimate question of why is one I ask over and over again. Would it be any easier if I knew for sure that there are no answers?
No, there was no mention of how to move on from my pain in those pamphlets.
The pain I am suffering is a mother’s pain. After all, wasn’t it supposed to be me watching over my son? Forever his mother is what I will always be.
I have created a page for Anna's Diary. It can be found under the Tab titled Anna's Diary.
I have posted all of the entries to date there, starting with January 1, 1929.
Here is today’s entry from Anna’s diary:
Thurs. June 27, 1929
Seashore. Went bathing with children. After supper we took them all to Asbury to ride the ponies and the Merry-go-round. Had them weighed and we won three boxes of candy.
Thinking of you Lynda as you wrestle with these enormous emotions and eternal questions. Hoping that having this outlet and knowing there are so many who care is some small comfort as you make your way from day to day.
ReplyDeleteAs the masked mom said, I agree, I hope that by knowing that others care that you are in this place, is a small comfort to you. I read your post earlier today, while I was at work, and have had you on my mind all day and evening. I want to give you the peace of God, that surpasses all understanding, but I can't. Have you read Joan Didion? There are several good books, CS Lewis and "when bad things happen to good people." I found those somewhat comforting in my search.
ReplyDeleteWriting about my grief has been most helpful. But, what touches me even more deeply is the compassionate support of readers, like you. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHolly,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that I am sincerely appreciative of the way you reach out to me with your thoughtful and kind words. I feel a connection with you because I know that you understand.
As you know, there are many bad days. I have to learn, I guess, to recognize and appreciate the peaceful moments, because they do also exist. Thank you for your book recommendations. I will definitely give them a look.
Lynda, I spoke to Ross this afternoon (Fri) and when I asked about you he referred me to your blog. Your writing is an incredible window into your soul.....Your loss as a mother is enormous and as mothers we have tasted bits of this loss as our children grow but you are dealing with the totality of it......there is no comfort in words ...I wish for you a peaceful spot in your heart where you can hold and share your love, memories and your bond with your son without the catastrophic pain.....love and connection never die.....You may not realize this, but through your blog, each one of us who reads it carries a bit of your son with us....His presence is larger than you realize.
ReplyDeleteMarian, Your remarks actually revealed something to me that,as you said, I had not realized. It lifted my spirits tremendously to understand that Joe is thought of even by those who did not know him. Thank you so much for your kind words. You are a good friend.
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