It’s time to participate in the April A-Z Blog Challenge. I will be blogging every day in April, with Sunday’s off.
The topic for each day will begin with the designated letter of the alphabet.
This Monday’s letter is L.
Disclaimer: This post is not about anyone in particular. I wrote this as an experienced good listener who has had my share of one sided conversations.
So, listen. Do you? Listen, I mean.
I am a good listener. Although it is sometimes frustrating, especially for my husband, and at times it may seem selective, but I also have a good memory. Sure, I may remember an intonation differently, but the gist of the conversation is certainly accurate in my mind.
Ross says I think I can read his mind. Well, he’s not 100% right about that, because I know I can read his mind. It is a skill that good listeners just naturally develop.
Clearly, or at least it has been my experience, that when two people are engaged in a conversation only one person can speak at a time. It may not occur to the person who is supposed to be listening, that having a conversation with yourself while the other person is taking is not being a good listener. It’s a fact that many people engage in what I call “thought jumping”.
It may go something like this:
First Talker: “I was on a trip recently. We went to a small town in upstate New York.”
The not so accomplished listener immediately begins to “ thought jump”: “Hmm, I once went to a small town in upstate New York. It was by a lake. We went to a quaint little restaurant. What was the name of it? Oh, what was it? I can’t wait until it’s my turn to talk so that I can relate my experiences”.
So while First Talker continues on with his or her story, all that Non Listener is hearing are muffled sounds like the adult characters in the Charlie Brown comic strip make.
Sometimes the Non Listener cannot contain him or herself and interrupts First Talker.
Interrupting is the best example of not being a good listener.
Okay I admit it. I am not a perfect listener. For instance, if a droner has gotten a hold of my ear, I try my best, I really do, but I find that I inadvertently start to “mind drift.” “Mind drifting” can be a more serious infraction of the “Good Listener” rules than “thought jumping.” There is no recovery from mind drifting. You can never catch up, once you start to “mind drift”.
Also, if I am intently concentrating on something, I am the worst listener.
Another “Good Listener” rule to follow is to ask the talker questions, especially questions about him or her. This usually makes the talker comfortable enough to want to continue to share.
Of course there are question boundaries which cannot be crossed until you, as a good listener, have gained the trust of your conversation companion.
I have a quiet soft voice. I speak in a low volume, in an even tempo and without much inflection. If you really want to “hear” what I have to say you must lean in closely and just listen.
Why not check out some of the other 2033 participants in the April 2014 A-Z Blog Challenge.
A lot of people might appear social, but they are not good listeners. That is a bit disappointing because I think conversation should also be about listening to what others have to say.
ReplyDeleteI know, right? It only takes a few sentences for me to be able to identify the soap box or podium type of person. They almost never ask the other person a question, simply because they are only interested in what they have to say. I agree being social means being engaged and interested in who you are interacting with.
DeleteIt is hard to be a good listener. It takes real discipline to listen and not let your mind jump around. It is nice that you are a good listener. I try to be but I have a way to go.
ReplyDeleteI suppose one of the first steps in being a good listener is that you have to want to get to know the other person. If you are care about that, the rest is easy.
DeleteWhile I think of myself as a good listener, I become frustrated when all I am "allowed" to do is listen. When someone talks incessantly, then appears offended when I attempt to join in the conversation, I tend to stop talking and stop listening.
ReplyDeleteGail visiting for AtoZ
Yes, I agree. That is the best way to defeat a good listener. Some people feel they are on a stage . They clearly don’t understand the difference between a monologue and a dialog.
DeleteI love what you've written here. It is very true. I am a good listener and I think it is often rudeness that keeps people from being good listeners. When it is clear to me that the person I'm conversing with is not listening well, I may just stop talking, not abruptly, but just sort of fade out, sometimes people don't even notice that you didn't complete you story or thought. Good topic choice!!
ReplyDeletePerhaps it is more of an unawareness or ignorance that prevents a person from being a good listener. However, I agree those who interrupt or do not pay attention are often insensitive people.
DeleteI try to be a good listener. For the simple reason if I had something to say I would want them to listen. I found out people who is argent sooner or later it real get them in a mess. Anyhow one who listen usual come out with some type of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteStop in from A to Z challenge...Coffee is on
I like what you said. Listeners do come out wiser. Thanks for stopping by.
DeleteGreat way of breaking down the listening process. I'm guilty of thought jumping when the talker is someone I didn't want to talk to in the first place.
ReplyDeleteThat is funny. It’s true, now that I think about it there are certain people that I would rather not talk to.
DeleteI'm guilty of mind drifting, especially when the speaker talks about people I have never met. For a long time. And I'm dying to get out of that room.
ReplyDeleteI'm a good listener if the topic is interesting and relatable.
I’m giggling at your comment. I can think of at least a few people who do that very thing, talk about so and so and I have no idea who they are talking about.
DeleteIn my job at the halfway house, being a good listener is definitely a challenge for me--I am often bouncing from one task to another with a list of yet-to-be completed running through my mind. And it is always when I am at my busiest that someone has something he desperately needs to get off his chest. It is then that I have to remind myself that even though listening/counseling is not in my actual job description, it has turned out to be the most important part of my job.
ReplyDelete