December 5, 2015
My son Joe passed away four years ago today.
As I always do on this day, I find my way into the darkened space of my heart. It is where my pain and anger has burrowed in. It is deep and cleverly hidden. Most of the time. But not today. Today I find it, grab hold of it and pull it out.
Yesterday was the four-year anniversary of Joe's last day here, with us. I have flashing visual memories of the day.
I recall those of us who loved Joe wandering in and out of the room. The room where he would find his final rest. Or perhaps it was me. Yes, it was me. I was the wanderer.
My memories of that day are surreal. I feel confused. What is going on? I don't understand what's happening. I want to pick him up and carry him away from that room. I want to take him away from death.
I close my eyes and I hear the day. The football game is playing on the TV in the room where Joe lay, unconscious. It's loud. Unconsciously, I find myself putting my hands over my ears. It should be quiet. Joe was quiet.
The hospice nurse was sitting on the other bed in the room. Right next to Joe. She told me to talk to him. "He can hear you," she said.
I was irrationally puzzled. How can he hear me? It's so loud in here.
But I tell him, "It's okay Joe. It's okay."
I'm not sure what I meant by that. But it's what a mother says, you know. It's what a mother says.
This one day is the day of my son' death. There is no joy in this day.
But this day, this death day, was not the life of Joe. Tomorrow I will remember the beautiful life that was my Joe.
I am so sorry you are living every mother's worst nightmare. I am sure Joe did hear your words and I am sure he knew how deeply loved he was.
ReplyDeletebetty
Thank you Betty. I do believe Joe knew how much he was loved.
DeleteSo sad for you Lynda... no words here. Your writing about it is so touching, I can only imagine your pain. Roz
ReplyDeleteThank you Roz, for your kind words. They are comforting.
DeleteRealized that blogging is not for me. Besides we have Lynda Grace, who I will never be able to paint pictures with words the way she does. So I will continue to post on Facebook when I get that feeling to share & keep me as up as I can be through my difficult times. And hopefully help others through theirs. And I can continue to read & be inspired by your great writing & unique way of sharing your feelings. Don't ever stop doing this Lynda! When you think the time is right, write! Love your words & love you cuz!
DeleteJoe, your spirit and positivity lift me. Yes, continue to post on FB. You are an inspiration to many, including me. Thank you! Love you too!
DeleteI'm so sorry. Anniversaries are hard. I hope you have kind and gentle people with you on this hardest of days.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteI'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine losing a son, and then having to remember that day for the rest of my life.
Thank you. Yes, it is difficult. Writing does help, somewhat.
DeleteHi Lynda - I thought of you last December and wished you well. My blog disappeared two years ago (meaning I can no longer access it to write or edit) but I guess it was what was needed at the time. It's been a challenging two years with a lot of loss and a lot of learning. Masked Mom commented on my brother Mark's blog which took me to her and now to you. I hope things are going well for you these days. JT
ReplyDeleteJT, I am so happy to hear from you! I sent you an e-mail too. I'm not sure if you will get it. You are so kind to remember me and my Joe. I'm sorry for your loss. Losses are so tough.
DeleteI hope we can keep in touch. I miss you!